The Yin to My Yang

So tell me if either of these scenarios sounds familiar.  

Scenario one: You, Hubby and the kids all have hectic itineraries. You’re all scheduled to be in and out of the house in crazy combinations of dates and times. The kids are young yet, so it’s really up to you and Hubby to keep things straight and make sure everyone is juggled with precision. Except…Hubby seems to be about as clueless as the kids about when things need to be done. You find that having to remind him when he needs to cart which kids to which events is yet another thing that falls solely on your shoulders. You have inwardly and/or outwardly been very angry with him for not being on top of the household schedule like you are. After all, he lives there and those are his kids, too, right?

Scenario two: It seems like you’re the straight guy of the two parental units. It feels like you’re the one who nags about homework and chores and bedtime, while Hubby is the one who gets the good cred for wrestling with the kids and throwing them up into the air (and catching them, of course!) and making funny faces and hilarious bodily noises and getting the kids to belly laugh with his ridiculous antics. You have inwardly and/or outwardly been angry with him for making you look like the heavy, like a big, fat party pooper. After all, you’re taking care of all the important stuff and he just gets to play. In the eyes of the kids, you’re the meanie and he’s the fun one. It’s unfair and WTF?!?!

Both scenarios absolutely played out at our house. While Hubby and I rarely fight, I sure started a few good ones out of my frustration with these situations. Then two things happened, though not in the order I would have liked.

 The first thing that happened is that Hubby took in all of my griping and bitching about the imbalance of it all and decided to make a change. He took it up on himself to make a calendar of everyone’s commitments and post it in a central area so we can all see what’s going on. He updates the calendar regularly and now sometimes even beats me to the punch when we’re talking what’s happening on a certain day. He also started taking care of some of the serious business with the kids. He assigns chores and keeps to bedtime deadlines and hands down discipline, if needed.

 The second thing that happened is that I changed my perspective. I got to thinking about how I got mad at Hubby because he wasn’t as good at something as I was (managing the family’s schedule) and then I turned around and got mad at him when he was better at something than I was (having fun with the kids). Did someone say something about unfair? It finally occurred to me that the fact that we don’t have the same strengths didn’t have to be a bad thing.  We weren't on opposing sides: we had each been contributing our strongest skill sets toward the same goal.  Where I might have lacked, he stepped up; where he was unsure, I led the way.  He was the yin to my yang.  We bolstered each other's talents and natural inclinations and, by being good at different and separate things, we 1) didn't step on each other's toes (you know what they say about too many cooks in the kitchen) and 2) we were able to cover a lot of ground as a parental unit.  And, in the end, our family got the benefit of the best we both had to offer. 

He will probably always be the one the kids think is more fun.  Well, truth be told, he is more fun, by far.  But it's me they ask for when they want to be sung to sleep.  I might still be the one who can keep the master schedule in my head at all times, but he'll always be ready and willing to execute the logistics any time I ask.  When the clouds of selfishness and  self-pity are lifted, the view is truly clear and bright.

I only wish I had gained my new way of seeing things before I harried poor Hubby as much as I did.  But in the end, we both learned and grew from the experience.   Ha!  I write this as if it was something that has run its course.  It hasn't.  We're still in the thick of it and it still demands our attention and energy.  But now that we've righted the ship, I think we're in for some smooth sailing. 

Hybrids, Hair and Hope - Part III: Hope

Continued from Parts I and II

I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel like I've taken an emotional beatdown from the all the doom-and-gloom over the economy.  

There were times when the news was downright horrifying.  How many stories were there about families who went from comfortable, dual-income living to dual-unemployment, burning through their life savings in a matter of months and facing foreclosure?  I read a story about a mom who said money was so tight and food was getting so expensive that meat and fresh produce were luxuries that she and her kids couldn't afford anymore. 

Close to home, people we knew lost their jobs and our local food pantry was adding more new families each week.  Our own family was affected and Hubby and I had to make some tough decisions about how to stay afloat financially.  I told our kids so many times that we were going to be careful about how we spent our money that they started asking me if we were going to run out.   That was my biggest fear, too.

When the-tightening-of-the-belt begins in earnest, it takes some fortitude to face the new limitations.  Stick to the budget - no extras at the store, no eating out.  Toys, clothes and entertainment aren't even in the budget, and cross your fingers that the cars won't need fixing and that no emergencies come up.   You hope you're just riding out the storm, but you wonder: what's going to come along and change things for the better?  The future seems like a grey unknown and it all starts to feel like a too-heavy coat that you can't take off.  But the worst of it is the feeling of isolation.  We don't tend to broadcast our personal financial statuses, especially when they're not going well, so at those low times, we feel like we struggle alone.

Then slowly, the silver linings start to show themselves.  No eating out means healthier meals and finding new homemade favorites.  No entertainment budget means more family game nights or other snuggly stay-home activities (and really, what could be better?).  "Back to basics" starts to seem like more of a smart concept and less of a punishment.  

I was at this point of starting to accept our circumstances and making the best of things when I looked around and noticed that not only weren't we so alone in the world, but that we were also in good company!   From out of nowhere, it seemed like everyone was making do and getting by.  But not with oppressed spirits.   People were flying their frugality flags loudly and proudly!  They began to wear their thriftiness like a badge and become card-carrying penny-pinchers.  

The very best part: everyone wanted to share their tips and tricks for getting through the rough spots.  They shared their couponing strategies (heck, they even made a reality show out of it!), their upcycling ideas and countless other pointers on how to cut costs.  From the least of ideas that only serve to make life a little brighter (like letting our hair grow and braiding it when we couldn't afford the salon) to revolutionary ideas designed to help us stretch a dollar (like fuel-efficient cars), it's been a grand testament to our organic, ingrained desire to take care of each other when the going gets tough.

I think it speaks to the resiliency of the race - the human race, that is.   Okay, so maybe we let things slide from time to time and get ourselves into a world of trouble.  Maybe we go through rough patches where we seem collectively apathetic.  Toward everything.  But by our very nature of being human, we're not perfect.  I know, as one individual, I tend to run in cycles between being (occasionally) awesome and (more frequently) ridiculous, with a vast expanse of ordinary in between.  But I always like to think I'm making my way back to awesome by learning from my mistakes and finding ways to do things better.  Extrapolate that across all the other individuals on the planet, and you've got a world of folks who try, and sometimes fail, and try again to be the best they can be.  For both myself and the rest of the humans, I'd like to think we're on an upswing.  I like to think there's hope for us, yet.

Hybrids, Hair and Hope - Part II: Hair

Continued from Part I

If you pay attention to what people are posting on Pinterest, you can't help but start to notice what's trending.  From entertaining ideas to home decorating to recipes to shoe styles, people are pinning what they think is cool and before long you're realizing that it's all the rage to do your kid's next birthday party in rainbow colors.

So that's how I noticed that a retro-classic concept in hair design is making its return:  the braid is back.  The last time I remember it being cool to braid your hair (off the volleyball courts and softball fields) was in the 80's, I think.  With nary a French braid on the radar, today's braided styles are all about creativity (the one in the picture is called a waterfall) and range from the cute to the sophisticated (think of braided up-dos for brides).   I even managed to find a style that was age-appropriate for me and rocked it to work last week.  Fun!

A website I saw was showcasing "Hunger Games inspired styles" and it showed lots of braided hair.  I also noticed that some of the female characters on my favorte HBO series, "Game of Thrones", are wearing braids.  I'm not so sure, though, that Hollywood is altogether responsible for the rebirth of this trend.  I got thinking about it after reading an article on AOL's Daily Finance page:  The Hair Index: What Your Cut Says About the Economy  (the slideshow at the end of the article is a hoot!).  It raised a question for me:  is our fashion influenced by the country's economic health?

Now, hearing someone in Washington say America's fiscal fitness is on the uptick doesn't exactly boost my confidence in my own financial stability .  It's still expensive to stock my fridge every week (let's not even mention filling up the gas tank!), and I still have enough "what-ifs" in the back of my mind that I can't do much "discretionary" spending without feeling guilty.   I'm going out on a limb and guessing that most people I know and most people they know feel the same way. 

And what do we do when we're feeling miserly?  We cut back and find ways to make do.  Have you noticed the increasing popularity in the concept of repurposing?  Folks are finding ways to put their old items to new uses instead of buying new.   It's the definition of making do.  Braiding is like repurposing for hair:  you've already got the materials, you get something new and fresh and it costs you nothing! 

 It's just a theory.  Maybe the big braid revival wasn't a product of our frugality, but I'm thinking the fact that we latched onto it might very well be.  (Continued in Part III)

Hybrids, Hair and Hope - Part I: Hybrids

Go figure - after years of wanting and waiting, I finally get the car I've always wanted and as soon as I do, it falls out of style. It's so un-fashionable, in fact, that sometimes I actually get kind of embarrassed when I'm driving it around. Well, maybe "unfashionable" is the wrong word. "Irresponsible" might be better. Here's the problem: it's a gas guzzler and everyone knows it. In a society where the car that gets 35+ mpg is king, my car - which gets 20 mpg on its best day - is a pariah. The company that makes my car doesn't even advertise it anymore. Oh, they still make it, sure enough. But now they're kept in the "back room" of the dealership, where only shifty, carbon footprint-stomping customers go to make their shady purchases.

And I think it's great (my personal shame aside). I love that the auto industry has quietly put its collective heads together and come up with a real, true, viable answer to exorbitant gas prices: fuel efficiency. Is it the perfect, end-all solution? Of course not. Is there an underlying financial motivator for them to develop cars that people can afford to buy and maintain? Uh...yeah. But so what? Big Auto lines its pockets - as well as the pockets of its workers - and responsible consumers get to keep some green of their own when cruising past the gas pumps. That sounds equitable to me. But more than that, it's great that the social standard for what to drive has taken a consciencious turn.

Not that there have been too many other options for gas expenditure relief. There have been lots of suggestions ranging from the mundane ("Make sure your tires are inflated to the recommended levels" and "Write your Congressman!") to the extreme ("Tap our domestic reserves and give Foreign Oil the bird!"). But nothing has produced as much of a measurable result - or allowed the average citizen some control over his own gas expense - as the availability of fuel-efficient vehicles.

The more I think and write about it, the more I want to put a bag over my car (or maybe over my head, instead) the next time I drive it.   (continued in Part II)

Movie Review: The Hunger Games (no spoilers)

I saw it this weekend with a diverse mix of people: C (who's 11), E (who's 8), my parents (who are seniors) and Hubby. Of the group, only C and I read the book.

My folks and Hubby enjoyed it. I gauged this by whether they wanted to see the sequels (the next one comes out in Nov 2013) - they all said they would.   Plus, they said they liked it.

C and I loved it. It was fun whispering back and forth during the movie as we remembered and compared things about the book. We talked a lot more about it later that night. This was the first novel-length book that held C's attention enough for him to read cover-to-cover. I love that the movie reinforced what he'd read. I'm hoping this encourages him to keep up the reading habit!

I had some reservations about letting E watch with us. The book contained no obscene language (literally - none) and no sexual content whatsoever, and I was hoping the movie would follow suit.  There was a good deal of violence described in some detail but I thought that, since E had seen the Pirates of the Caribbean and Indiana Jones movies (which carry the same PG-13 rating), that he could probably handle what the movie had in store. However, in hindsight, I think now that I would have arranged for him to not watch it, instead. It won't hurt those not in-the-know to know that the premise of The Hunger Games is kids hunting kids in a fight to the death - and that death happens. I've noticed that most adult crime shows and even many movies for adults stop just shy of visually depicting bodily harm happening to children. That's not so much the case in The Hunger Games movie. Most of the time, they indirectly (but strongly) allude to the violent acts, but there are at least two times when they show them outright, and I found it to be a bit jarring - not really something I would have wanted E to see. I think I perpetrated a bit of a parenting fail here, by foregoing our usual process of pre-screeing questionable movies before letting our kids see them. Ugh.

For his part, E said he didn't like it. He wasn't scared or scarred by anything he saw - it just didn't appeal to him. Not unlike the book, there wasn't a strong element of humor in the movie. There were a few lines designed to get chuckles from the audience, but they were lost on our 8 year-old. There were some intense parts that got a "Whoa!" out of E, but that was about it. The movie (again, like the book) didn't have the Disney-esque or even definitive ending he is used to, and I don't think he appreciated the cliffhanger.

So, for adults: if you've read and liked the book, you're going to love the movie. If you didn't read the book, you will still probably like the movie, even if you're just going to see it because you couldn't resist the hype.

For kids: I think the PG-13 rating is appropriate. C is actually almost 12 and, in my opinion, mature for his 12-ness. Plus, when reading the book, he was made to understand the subtleties and deeper significances in the story. I'm not sure the movie would be a good fit for a less-mature 11 or 12 year old who had not previously read the book. And I say that based on E's and my feelings about him having watched it. He said he would have rather been home, playing Club Pengin. I think that some of the scenes are inappropriate for younger children, period.

Did you see it? Will you take your kids to see it? What did you think? What did your kids think?

Nothing Looks the Same in the Light

A crappy week's worth of crappy crap came to a head one recent night. The quick rundown:

Over the previous week, both boys came down with the stomach bug, separately. Each time, we quarantined them to our room for a couple of days, to try to keep the cooties from spreading (- our room has a TV for them to watch during their confinement). Each time, Hubby and I slept on the couch and loveseat in the living room. I think we slept in bed three days out of that week.

Over the weekend, I barely saw hide nor hair of Hubby on Saturday, due to scheduled commitments (his). Sunday, the same thing, due to a planned outing (mine).

Then, on Monday, Hubby came down with the stomach bug. That same day C, our oldest, had piggy-backing commitments and I got the Evil Look of Death from the activity leader when explaining that C would have to leave a half hour early to get to basketball practice. After picking him up from the second commitment, it was past both boys' bedtimes, C still had to eat dinner and finish homework, our younger son, E, wanted his nightly bedtime story and was sad to tears that his daddy was sick. After I'd gotten E squared away, C still had to study for a test, was frantic that he had misplaced a textbook and was upset that the activity leader was spiteful to him in front of the rest of the group.

After everyone was finally in bed, I sat down and (NO, I did not cry...) gave myself a quick SIT(uation)REP(ort): I was missing spending time with my now-out-of-commission hubby, both kids had gone to bed in low spirits, I was mad at the activity leader for being a jerk, there was a sink full of dishes, the living room was tornado-ed and I was going to be sleeping on the couch again, but this time alone.

Situation: bleak. Outlook: same. Possible solutions: no optimism left to think of any. I desperately wanted to do something to make myself feel better. I contemplated writing an email to the activity leader, but I couldn't even think of how to word it without being hostile. I half-contemplated cleaning up the kitchen and living room out of a sense of duty, but the thought made me crankier. Some sadistic part of my brain started thinking about the other 4 dozen things that would need to be addressed in the coming days, and that's when I had to shut it down. The more I sat there and thought about things - ANY things - the worse it all seemed. The only alternative: sleep it off. I dimmed the lights, grabbed my blanket, curled up on couch and escaped into the relief of unconsciousness.

In the morning, circumstances hadn't really changed, but guess what had? Yup - my whole attitude and outlook. Even before I sat up, I realized I was feeling better. I was glad I hadn't spent an hour on housework the night before. The extra z's I'd gotten by going to bed instead had re-energized me. I was glad I hadn't fired off an angry email to the activity leader. Now that my head had cleared, I was able to put some perspective to the situation and think of better ways to deal with it. Plus, having gotten familiar with the pattern of our stomach bug, I knew that Hubby would be feeling better and able to participate in the day's comings and goings. Things were definitely looking up!

My final thought, before I got up from my couch-bed, was that I'd gained some new wisdom to impart to my kids someday: decisions are better made in the light of a new day than in the dark of a long night. And with that, I set out to make sure their days got off to a great start, too.

The Struggle That French Moms May Never Know - Part II

Continued from Part I

1) Feed yourself like a grown-up. No nutrition lesson here. I'm talking about using adult tableware. Are you drinking out of a brightly-colored plastic cup that your kids would find pleasing? Or are you using that over-sized (insert your team's name here) cup that your husband got free with his beer at the last visit to the stadium? Stop it. Get one of the good glasses down from the top shelf where it's been collecting dust (wipe it off) and use it! Did your cereal bowl this morning have cartoon characters on it? Try using one of the nice bowls tomorrow. Ditto plates and silverware. Take it a step further and get a special piece just for you - something that reflects your style and personality. Mine's a pretty bowl and I use it for everything from ice cream to Chinese take-out. And the whole house knows it's mine, all mine. I don't use it all the time, but when I do, it really does feel like I'm treating myself to a little something special.

2) Along the same lines, let yourself enjoy something womanly. "Womanly" implies that it's not something for you to share with your kids or your husband. And it's not about getting alone time for you to veg on the couch in your sweats. It's about giving a nod to the woman you may have forgotten you are! For me, it's painting my toenails. This feels especially decadent during the long, northeast winter months when toes are most often hiding out in socks and boots. There's just something about knowing that, underneath it all, my toes are a-twinklin' and nobody knows it but me. Maybe you haven't updated your hair in a while - get a new look! Or take advantage of that Victoria's Secret coupon you got in the mail and get some pretty new unmentionables. Or, if you haven't enjoyed a bath since you started giving them to your kids, get to know that luxury again. And not with the kids' berry-scented bubble bath and all the bathroom lights a-blazing, either. Try some bath oils, soak by candlelight, play some music . And close your eyes, for Pete's sake, and relax. Even 15 minutes of this is a beautiful thing. Yes, you do have time. I had a private bath last weekend for the first time in probably 10 years - no exaggeration. The kids were tucked in for the night, I had nothing left to do, nowhere to go and no time constraints. My super-thoughtful husband interrupted me just once - to deliver a glass of wine - and then left me to my leisure. I am also not exaggerating when I say it was downright heavenly.

3) Get a hobby. Seriously. If someone asks you, "What do you like to do in your spare time?" and your answer is either sleep, watch TV, or hop on the Internet (and YES, I'm talking also about Facebook!), then you probably need to adopt some kind of productive pasttime. Go creative - make cards or cakes or paintings or music. Go healthy - walk, jog, kickbox, anything. Do something new - learn to fish, volunteer in town, start researching your family geneaology and see how far back you can go. A hobby doesn't necessarily have a point. It's supposed to be something just for you, just because you enjoy it. Some call it personal enrichment. Others call it living.

4) Stay relevant. Not that mom-ming shouldn't be the most important thing in your universe, but if you can't carry on a discussion with other people without either mentioning your kids or bringing every topic back around to how it relates to your kids, you've lost touch. Keep on top of current events. You've seen the headlines, now get the details: what is this "fracking" thing is and why does it have everyone so riled? What's going on with the Occupy movement? What are SOPA and PIPA and why did they make the Internet all crazy one day last month? What did that cruise ship captain have to say for himself? It's an election year - who are the candidates and what platforms are they supporting? In the process of learning about this stuff, it's impossible not to be exposed to many, many different perspectives. Gather and consider this wealth of information and form opinions. If you have made an informed opinion (not one that you adopted from someone else), it means you that you have an understanding of how the world works and your place in it. Not only does this do wonders for your sense of esteem and belonging , but it also arms you with fresh and interesting things to talk about when adult discussion breaks out.

Of course, I know lots of moms who always had a handle on it. Those are the ones who inspired me to get back into the swing of things. And I know moms who aren't ready yet to wear any other hat than the MOM hat they wear so well. I'm just glad to have found and to pass along that it is possible for moms to get back to being "real people", too!